Marriage Talk/Photos

I spoke in church last week and a few of you have asked me to publish that talk (sermon). In my faith, church members take turns speaking to the congregation, rather than having a preacher talk each week. I was asked to speak for 20 minutes on the phrase, Husbands and Wives: Love Each Other. I've included my talk and uploaded some fun dating photos of Damian and I that illustrate some of the stories I spoke about. This is my favorite photo of the two of us, taken a month before we married in May '96. OK, this was what I said in church:

Brother LeBel asked me to speak on this phrase: Husbands and Wives: Love Each Other. I told Damian that I was just going to repeat this mantra “Husbands and Wives: Love Each Other” over and over for 20 minutes. . . different accents, different languages. Then I practiced this mantra on Damian for awhile. Finally, after repeatedly hearing my chant he said, “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR 12 YEARS!” Hopefully it hasn’t been too hard for him. If so, honey, listen up. I’m going to give you lots of good advice to make our marriage even better.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”

The Prophet, Spencer W. Kimball taught: “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

I am very blessed because Damian has always made me feel like I am his biggest interest. All his hobbies take place before I even wake up. For example, he goes to play basketball or work out in the wee hours of the morning. He also loves spending time with his brothers and family. They all chose to work together so they get their fill of each other during the work day, not in the evenings. Damian loves our children and being a father, but when 7:30 comes he initiates bedtime for the kids so he and I can have alone time every night. We selfishly guard and honor our Friday Night Date Night and let nothing stand in the way of our one-on-one time together.

I look out at all of you, my friends, and I hope my situation is NOT unique. I hope you wives are the best friend and favorite entertainment of your husbands. I love being cherished and adored and hope you have felt that. It feels really sweet to have committed to eternity spent with Damian, the person I love most in this world.

The Prophet, Joseph Smith said: “It is a time-honored adage that love begets love. Let us pour forth love—show forth our kindness unto all mankind, and the Lord will reward us with everlasting increase;
I do not dwell upon your faults, and you shall not upon mine. Charity, which is love, covereth a multitude of sins.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 316)

When we have learned to let charity cover the faults of the companions we love, we will probably feel their love more strongly, and more often. And we will be better prepared to build enduring marriages.

In the Proclamation on the Family it states: ““Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.” I love how the marriage relationship is listed first, then our obligation to our children. It has been said that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I know this is true. I want my girls to marry someone that treats them as well as Damian treats me. And hopefully, Josh and Ben can learn the way a wife is supposed to treat her husband from . . . Aunts Tiffany and Aunt Christine, since I’m still working on that! (Note: These gals are two of my sister-in-laws that are in my ward/congregation)

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I have long felt that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. That involves a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes.” Damian, did you hear that? Apparently President Hinckley wants you to overlook all my weaknesses and mistakes until I can smooth them out.

How do husbands and wives show that they love each other? Not at all startling is the repeated idea that the feelings aren’t expressed in dramatic or spectacular displays. (Although we like those spectacular displays sometimes!!) Usually feelings are expressed as a result of days and years and lifetimes of quiet words and moments, sensitivity and selflessness, spiritual support—and a great deal of thoughtfulness.

The Prophet, Ezra Taft Benson said: “A husband and wife must attain righteous unity and oneness in their goals, desires, and actions.
"Marriage itself must be regarded as a sacred covenant before God. A married couple has an obligation not only to each other, but to God. He has promised blessings to those who honor that covenant.
"Husbands and wives who love each other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated. This love will provide a nurturing atmosphere for the emotional growth of children. Family life should be a time of happiness and joy that children can look back on with fond memories and associations.
"Restraint and self-control must be ruling principles in the marriage relationship. Couples must learn to bridle their tongues as well as their passions.
"Prayer in the home and prayer with each other will strengthen your union. Gradually thoughts, aspirations, and ideas will merge into a oneness until you are seeking the same purposes and goals.
"Rely on the Lord, the teachings of the prophets, and the scriptures for guidance and help, particularly when there may be disagreements and problems.
"Spiritual growth comes by solving problems together—not by running from them. Today’s inordinate emphasis on individualism brings egotism and separation. Two individuals becoming “one flesh” is still the Lord’s standard. (See Gen. 2:24)
“The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth."

Elder Hugh Pinnock of the Seventy wrote a great talk entitled: “Making a Marriage Work.” He directed his comments to those of us that planned to dedicate an important part of our earthly lives to making our marriages succeed.

He said, “I know of nothing worthwhile in life that comes easy—and nothing in life is as valuable as a strong marriage and a secure family. I am speaking to all who want their marriage to succeed, including those who have been married more than once. My comments are not for anyone looking for simple solutions, or anyone who is satisfied merely to tolerate an uncomfortable arrangement.

Most strong marriages have been severely tested. Husbands and wives who encounter and surmount suffering, pain, misunderstanding, and temptation can enjoy a marriage that is beautiful and eternal. But I do not want us to look to the past—let us look only to today and the future.”

Elder Pinnock mentioned that most books on improving marriages aren’t helpful to people of our faith since our families are build upon heavenly concepts rather than worldly solutions. He shares 10 ideas that have helped many couples, no matter how many years they’ve been married, and he says it’s a universal fact that marriage gets better with age, so take that to heart!

The first idea is fundamental. We must bring the Savior and his teachings into our homes and hearts. To really succeed, an eternal marriage must be centered in Christ. Though directed to priesthood bearers, the principles in Doctrine and Covenants 121 apply to both husbands and wives:

“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood—and here are the characteristics by which power and influence can be maintained—only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
“By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.
“Let thy bowels also be full of charity … to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.” (D&C 121:41–42, 45)

Just as a building must have a strong foundation if it is to endure, a family needs the sure foundation of the Savior and his teachings. We are a spiritual people, believing that we are to use the Spirit in solving problems. Obviously to pray together often—at least daily and hopefully at least twice daily—will lead you to this success.

Second, don’t think that if you disagree you can’t succeed in marriage. We do need to learn to communicate and be honest when we disagree. We must tactfully express hurts and let our feelings show. We can do this without becoming angry or inconsiderate. People who keep things inside themselves and never talk about them are candidates for a variety of illnesses. And equally serious, that approach does not solve problems.

Always be open and straightforward with each other. Too often we may respond to marital tension by “being silent” or “taking a walk.” Disagreements between marriage partners merely means that they are human and that they are not yet perfect individuals. If they acknowledge their differences in a mature way, they can solve their differences without jeopardizing their relationship.

Third, never laugh at your spouse either in private or in public. Partners who laugh at their mates may think of it as good-natured humor. It is not. It is degrading and dangerous to the relationship. The one so ridiculed will be hurt deeply. To make a joke about private things a husband or wife did at home reveals either a lack of sensitivity or hidden malice and anger created by frustration or hurt feelings. Couples who respect each other do not resort to such degradation. Hopefully, all this husband teasing I'm doing from the pulpit doesn't fall into this category!

Fourth, do not smother each other with excessive restrictions. A loving wife of many years shared with Elder Pinnock one of the secrets of her beautiful marriage. She told him, “It is my duty to maintain an atmosphere in our home in which my husband can reach his full potential. And you know, he is a busy father, bishop, and businessman. In turn, he helps me reach my potential.”

With her encouragement, he was an outstanding bishop. She later served as a counselor in two auxiliary presidencies and then as president of the stake Relief Society. She had her own room where she sewed, painted, and wrote beautiful poetry. He felt comfortable in going fishing, doing some painting himself, and growing in ways that interested him. Neither of these marriage partners was being smothered by a selfish mate. Both respected the other’s need and goals.

The most fulfilling of all marriages seem to be those in which the husband and wife together let the Savior take care of their love. They are interested in each other, and yet permit each other to be free to grow and mature, to take on new challenges and to pursue new interests. Husbands and wives who fear the loss of a partner’s love weaken their relationship by holding on too tightly. A husband who thinks to himself, “I won’t let her out of my sight,” is actually expressing a fear that might push her away. Husbands and wives should allow each other freedom for personal growth and expression. When both marriage partners are able to develop their talents and interests, the marriage is less likely to suffer from boredom and narrowness.

(This photo was taken before a dance Damian asked me to at BYU.) The quality is pretty bad, but in case you can't tell, I was really tan that spring from all the skiing I'd been doing, instead of going to classes! It was after this dance that Damian wrote that cheesy note I blogged about a while back. If you want to see that, click HERE)

Fifth, Elder Pinnock counseled husbands and wives to compliment each other sincerely and often. A middle-aged wife once told me, “Somebody has to keep my husband humble. He gets to feel more important than he is.” That is a sad attitude. Every husband needs a wife who will encourage him and make him feel proud. Every wife needs a husband who honors and respects her. Encouraging each other with sincere compliments is never a sign of weakness; it is the right thing to do. Anyone who can kneel before a sacred marriage altar with a partner and exchange vows for eternity surely can see enough good in that partner to emphasize the good things about him or her when talking with others.

I love this scripture in the D & C 25:14 “Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.” I love it when Damian “brags” about me and compliments me, especially in front of his family and our children. I hope I outwardly show the delight I feel in my soul for Damian and his accomplishments, enough so he knows how loves and appreciated he is!

(This photo was taken the morning after our wedding night. I'd say I was one day pregnant with our oldest for this shot, too! And no, I didn't talk about this or show any photos during my talk at church, just in case you were wondering! OK, back to my speech:)

How many of you have seen the old church movie, “Johnny Lingo, or Mahana, the 10 Cow Wife?” It illustrates this principle perfectly. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, run to the church library after Sacrament Meeting and check the video out, or you can borrow it from us, I even have the modern full length version, I love it so much! The principle is that wives and husbands tend to become the persons described in the compliments their spouses give them. They will do almost anything to act according to the compliments and encouragement of a proud wife or husband.

After Damian and I married, I asked him to give me a few reasons why he married me in the first place. I was hoping to hear that he thought I had a nice pair of legs or something, I think! The compliment I got was something totally different. Let me back up a minute. Before we married I was a 3rd grade teacher. One night, Damian came to my classroom to visit me. I was working hard on reports for Parent Teacher Conferences, late into the night. Now, you have to understand, I had procrastinated putting the info together for the parents until the night before conferences. Damian told me that my hard work that night impressed him and even though we’d barely started dating then, he knew that he wanted to marry me because I was a hard worker. I have to say, that wasn’t really the compliment that I was hoping to hear, especially since I’d obviously tricked him with my last minute efforts for Parent Teacher Conferences. I’ll tell you what though, I’ve always tried to live up to his expectation that I’m a hard worker. Every night when he pulls up, I switch on the vacuum or run to the kitchen to look busy. I don’t want to let him down.

Sixth, never resort to not speaking to each other. We are wrong to say to our spouse, “Just stay away from me. I am going through a difficult time. Let me solve my own problem. I just don’t want to be around anybody right now.” Not only is that unfair and a genuine insult, but it is stupid. What is marriage, if it is not sharing and helping each other through crises? None of the excuses we can come up with give us the moral right to shut someone out who loves us.

Keep the door to your heart open. The times when we shut others out often are the times when we need their help the most. Of course we all need times of privacy, time to think things out, to meditate and pray. We should understand and respect this need in others. However, we should never be inconsiderate or unappreciative of a concerned husband or wife who is trying to help. This is especially true when there are problems.

Seventh, say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. So often when we make mistakes, even innocent mistakes, damage has been done and we need to apologize. Along with learning to say, “I’m sorry,” husbands and wives must learn to say, “I forgive.” Jesus taught that to be forgiven by our Heavenly Father depends, in part, on our ability to forgive those who trespass against us. (See Mark 11:25, 26). Some of the strongest marriages of which I am aware have been between partners who could say, “I am sorry,” and who forgive each other.
In addition to saying they are sorry and really meaning it, husbands and wives must avoid talking about past disagreements and mistakes. Thousands of marriages have survived the most critical problems and have been successful only because godly sorrow (See 1 Cor. 7:10) for sin was followed by Christlike forgiveness.

Eight, never turn to a third party in time of trouble, except appropriate family members, your Bishop, or Stake President. In sensitive and inspired ways, such persons will direct you to a competent counselor if one is needed. Someone is always ready and eager to console a hurting wife or husband. And when marriage partners have no one to talk with at home, unfortunately too many seek a friend elsewhere. Elder Pinnock warns that this is the exact behavior that can begin an affair. By talking about mutual hurts with a friend we can easily transfer our loyalty and affection which can lead to adultery.

Never confide your marriage troubles to a third party, except as Elder Pinnock noted, to appropriate family members, Bishop, or Stake President; no, not even the closest friend of your own sex. He or she may be the first to tell your troubles to another. Lean on the Savior, and rely upon your bishop or stake president. This system, which the Lord has given us, is simple; but it is effective.

Ninth, retain the joy in your marriage. God intends us to find joy in life. (See 1 Ne. 8:10, 2 Ne. 2:25) Most marriages begin with joy, and those that succeed retain it. When a marriage loses its happiness, it becomes weak and vulnerable. Find a happy home, and you will find a joyful couple at the helm. Husbands and wives who no longer laugh and play together are losing their love for each other and their capacity to stay together. True love includes a joyful, almost childlike quality. In other words, have fun.

I appreciate Damian’s ability to have fun so much. Many of you that don’t know him well think he is very quiet and reserved. We met our freshman year at BYU and Damian was the most obnoxious, crazy person I’d ever met. He used to yell my name and wave at me before Tues. morning devotionals from across the Marriot Center, in front of thousands of people. Oh, he was so annoying sometimes!!

He also liked to plan elaborate dates where we’d dress up. I don’t know what it was with him and costumes. For example, once we went disco skating. Damian wore his Elvis one piece jumpsuit and colored sideburns on his face with permanent markers, speaking with an Elvis voice all night.

(Damian is on my right, in case you don't recognize him as ELVIS. One thing I DIDN'T share with the congregation was that Damian got all sweaty, skating in that polyester suit and his permanent marker sideburns/mustache dripped off his face. Poor guy. It's a wonder I kept dating him! For those of you that know Damian's family, his brother Justin was a freshman at BYU the year Damian and I dated. In the photo below Justin is the guy on the front left, with the big Kramer hair. He had an afro before his missionary service. More on that hairdo on his birthday post!)

Damian could make any situation crazy and fun and he still does. I’m sorry for all of you though. He’s mostly only fun in private, since he really enjoys that quiet, High Councilman Persona he’s created for himself.

Tenth, pray often. Adam and Eve, during a period of insecurity, compounded their brief rebellion by hiding from God’s presence. God does not hide; only man does. God was vitally involved with that first marriage, and he is just as concerned and should be just as involved in every marriage today. Ideally, husband and wife and children will kneel together in prayer. But when that is impossible, you husbands and wives be sure to pray for a strong marriage and for the happiness you deserve.

I suspect that our weaknesses and the difficulties we meet in life affect a marriage enough to make a really strong marriage impossible without God helping us. The Savior can help real marriages and help keep them healthy.

Elder Pinnock closed his address by saying, “The future depends on the present, and so we must live well today. Life passes quickly. Let us not be guilty of hoping that some day we will become happy and contented, after all of the bills are paid, after the kids are grown, or when we retire. Now is the time to enjoy the good in life—and the good always outweighs the bad. May we learn to recognize the good now and bring joy into each other’s lives.”

Another of our Prophets, David O. McKay said, “I know that a home in which unity, mutual helpfulness, and love abide is just a bit of heaven on earth.”

I am so grateful for my marriage to Damian. Being his wife is a bit of heaven on earth for sure and I love our life together. I am grateful that families can be together forever, that we will have all eternity to enjoy each other and our posterity. I am thankful that the Lord is willing to help us succeed in marriage and He blesses us, if we ask. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

OK, that's all folks, except for two more photos that I wanted to share. . .

(These were my best BYU buddies. . . I blogged about them about a year ago when I first started this blog. You can read about the Fab Five and the Three Hotties HERE.)

(This photo was taken before one of our many "How to Host a Murder" Parties. Yes, Damian has drawn a permanent marker mustache on himself again. What a goofball! We used to buy these "Murder" boxed sets with scripts. We'd cook dinner, dress up and act out these little murder parties with 3 other couples, kinda like a real life clue game. Pretty fun. We recently did one with 20 people and I blogged about it HERE. I think I should wear red lipstick more often, I look dang cute in this picture!)