Alaska: Part One "Wild and Rugged"

Disclaimer: There are many slanderous, offensive remarks about Texas in the following post. Please forgive me. When I get in my "Alaska Mode," all my weakest thoughts hang out for all to read, and I just can't stop myself.

I was raised in Alaska. I left for BYU in '92 and my parents moved to the Southern Utah Desert. I didn't go back to Alaska, until last year. My best friend, Emily, flew me up for a week. We spent a few days in the "big" city of Palmer (pop. 7,000) and a few days in rural Talkeetna (pop. 772). Talkeetna is wild and rugged and reminded me of my hometown of Valdez, minus the ocean. It's a staging ground for those crazy enough to climb Mt. McKinley and it hosts a HUGE Moose Dropping Festival (MDF) in July.

Don't believe me? Look here! http://www.talkeetnachamber.org/event-moosedropping.html

Look at those haphazardly planted flowers! There aren't too many manicured lawns in Alaska, sprinklers can freeze in the winter. There is a lot of GRAVEL, lots of large hanging flower baskets, and TONS of propane tanks (notice in the background?)

Emily runs a cotton candy business in the summer. I was her assistant while at the Talkeetna MDF. Mostly I did a lot of tasting and giving the wrong change. I also did a lot of NOTICING. I will share my brainy insights in this six-part Alaska Mock-umentary. Let us begin:

1. Alaskans have an interesting personal style. Sort of messy/spazzy meets colorful/eclectic. Why would you hang one basket when you can hang them on every available inch? I think as we explore Alaska together you will understand me, THE ALASKAN, much better. Some people think I may have ADHD. No, I'm just Alaskan.

And what about antlers? Why hang one pair, when you can hang a dozen? You don't have to kill anything to get these, you just have to walk around in the woods, they're all over the place (like Moose Droppings!) Hey, FREE decorations!! And I'm talking about the droppings, here.

2. We Alaskans have a quirky, weird sense of humor (sound like anyone you know?) It comes from being cooped up too long in the winter, in the dark (kinda like solitary confinement, which leads to insanity!) Let me give you some ideas of things I've seen, made from REAL Moose Droppings (and sold in the Palmer Wal-Mart): "Moose-el-toe" (hang it at Christmas in the doorways), "Shellacked Moose Drop Earings" (big sellers on the cruise ships!) and my personal favorite, "Moose-el-Stix" (Swizzle sticks with a nice dropping on the top, what a fun way to stir your Virgin Shirley Temple!)

4. Now, let's explore the Alaskan Attitude: I've tried to explain to Damian that everything is just BIGGER in Alaska. Sorry, Texas, we're over double your size! And all our animals/fish/waterfalls/mountains/oil fields are bigger, too. We're basically just better than everybody, and we know it. For example: look at those Marigolds in the back of the planter. Those aren't grown with Steroids, that's how they do it in Texas. Those are just grown with ALASKAN SUN (22 hours-a-day worth) and ALASKAN RAIN (pure glacier fed). Here is a bigger picture for you Texans:

Yes, they look a little gangly and freakish and they are over 26" tall. Those flowers are ecking out a survival in very harsh soil, much like we Alaskans eck out our survival surrounded by all of you people from smaller, less showy states.

And now, coming back to personal style. Let us examine a typical Alaskan woman. Notice, she is being stared at by a tourist from Texas and she has a lot to say . . . to herself. She has an interesting outfit, considering it's only 62 degrees outside (that's a HOT day!) Her tank shows off her lovely breast tattoo, nicely. In her rush to get to the MDF, she didn't have time for shoes (even though everything is paved in gravel!) She did take time to braid some nice pieces of leather into her hair (stringy things hanging on right side of her head), that match her stylish purse. I don't actually like this fellow Alaskan. Not because of her sense of fashion or her obvious quirkiness. I don't like her because she bought corn, instead of cotton candy. And I was a professional candy seller, for a week, at the Talkeetna Moose Dropping Festival.